Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
You Might Also Like
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan