Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
New menu item
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
only 11 steps left
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*