“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles