What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
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science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!