Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
me
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.