Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
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People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.