People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.