Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”