This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I鈥檓 going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we鈥檙e just reaching out to you about your car鈥檚 extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you鈥檙e going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Admin smashed it 馃槀
Breaking news:
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn鈥檛 I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
GUY: I think I鈥檓 done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that鈥檚 a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol鈥o
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.