discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
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The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen