Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
me after eating Cheetos
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?