some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
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*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?