Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
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8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Just had my nails done!
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)