Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
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Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.