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So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
what
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game