If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…