Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
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Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
the short answer to this question
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl