Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap