Cutest fight ever.. 😊
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I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”