My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
What a chick magnet..
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
What the dentist sees
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie