You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
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My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Aaaa…CHOO!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.