interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
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The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Are you ok, human???
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture