Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
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My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero