COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
You Might Also Like
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.