[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Y’all ready for this
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.