This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr