*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
You Might Also Like
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?