[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra