Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.