My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
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*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
☺️
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
A game married people play.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.