1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
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How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.