my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
You Might Also Like
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED