[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
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FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.