Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
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“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Bootstraps
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.