CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
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Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone