It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
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My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”