If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
You Might Also Like
Pretty certain I can more drunk
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Not recommended for beginners.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth