*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Bloody internet 😳
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.