Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 馃槝
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 馃槈
Them: …many, many laws.
You Might Also Like
i鈥檓 pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 馃槣
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Yup.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.