Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
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This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”