Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
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OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Doctors texting each other.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother