We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
You Might Also Like
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
(by @ZachWeiner )
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.