me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
BaD BoY!!
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.