If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes