An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
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Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.