Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Guy who likes music
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.