Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Leonardo DiCaprisun
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Would you wear it?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.