One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
You Might Also Like
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep