How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Meanwhile in Canada…
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
This kid will have a bright future.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant