Why font matters.
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just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe